My heart hurts today (no need to call...) But yesterday my dad came by. I still love to see him and I still love him a lot. But he has hurt me so badly. His choices have been so difficult to take in. Feeling as though he has yet to really change is hard to see. I have always put him on a peddle stool (not sure if that is how you say that) and he has more than disappointed me. During the Holidays or Birthdays or Family get-togethers I think of how his choices have made him so sad. I have never been able to stand up to him. And yesterday before he left and after some small talk, he put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes and said "God has forgiven me, and I need you guys to forgive me. I need a reason to live". What I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't, was that he has yet to ask for our forgiveness. He chose this and we are the ones that have to live with the consequences too. Why is it so hard?!?! I was pregnant with Milli when all of this happened, I was in a fragile state yet he chose what he wanted. It still so hard to swallow. I have felt for a long time that he is gone. He certainly is not the father I grew up with, the father that taught me about the gospel, the man I admired and looked up to. I am not sure I will ever be able to fill that void in my heart. It really hurts.
It's hard to see those you love make choices that will affect you and those you love so much. yet they are being selfish. When people change but want you to be the same person. I wonder if I will be judged for not helping? Even when I have helped in the past. There is nothing in this world that I love more than my family, nothing.
I miss those I have lost, whether they have passed away or made choices that have taken them away from my life. I feel like I try to do my best to help those around me, but it simply doesn't seem like enough. We have to watch out for ourselves as well, why is our help not enough? Why do we hurt so much when we feel like we have done our part? Yet, we feel like we have nothing more to give.
7 comments:
My heart hurt for you as I read your blog. The reason it hurts so much is because you love him so much. I hope that somehow it will get better for you. You are a wonderful person.
Sorry... I meant "even the forgiveness for you Dad.." on my previous post.
I'm so sorry Laura. I can feel how much you miss him. I know that you know this, but your answers are ALL found in the Atonement. There is ONE person that can feel completely what you feel. Christ KNOWS how you're suffering. He's already felt it, remember? To find the peace and answers you need... even the forgiveness for your day... turn to Christ and the Atonement. It's the ONLY thing that has gotten me through so many trials of my own. Love ya girl! Hang in there.
Do you need a Diet Coke and Chocolate? Will that help for now? :)
Laura, I know what you mean. I still love my dad too. Men don't ask for forgiveness easily, especially Hispanic men. My dad has not ask for forgiveness. And I realized that after 10 years, he wasn't going to. And everyday it bothered me, even for the first little part of my marriage. Then my mom told me that he doesn't need to ask for forgiveness in order for me to forgive. It's a commandment. We have to with or without the question. It is us who are holding on to the pain, we need to let it go and realize that our Heavenly Father loves us and will never leave us. And even though our earthly fathers have hurt us we do have someone to fill the void and that his Him. I know you know all of this, but sometimes we need to be reminded. The memory is always there, but the pain does go away when you apply His love in that void! Love you tons!! Let me know if you need anything.
I don't know what to say. You know my story. Sound easy forgive and forget but is not easy at all. The way you look at the person that hurts you so...completly changes in our eyes and I don't think they really comprehend that part...I don't know your dads actions but his words say that he is trying to reach out that is way more that my dad has done. What comes to my mind is what we hear at church "you give it all you have and Heavenly Father will meet you half way". The Holy ghost will guide you...just keep praying and you will know what to do. Love you tons. Kisses and Hugs hope that you are having a fun Christmas season. What have you, kids and hubby being up to?
Ah Laura...how hard to have him confront you...in a way that's what you wanted but not how you had it visualized and not able to say what you wanted.
I hate confrontation, and still have detailed flashbacks of the inlaws setting me down to list MY wrongs. It was mighty hard to listen as they told me that they'd miss me in heaven if I didn't change my ways. Hard to hear when you're trying all you can to do things as well as you can...
What gets me the most (dealing with my in-law drama) is that I'll find myself dwelling on the negative things they've said and done, or what I wish I would have said at the most random times during the day (shower, cleaning...) I HATE that their actions creep into my mind and upset me and the that they are off living their life oblivious of my thoughts.
I have come to learn that the inability to forgive REALLY does hurt me more than them. That I am the one held back... That I am the one carrying the hurt and the baggage...
I don't have a great example to set...because I am still stubborn and hold grudges. As your other friends have written, it is much easier to say than do.
I just wish that somehow SOON you'll find peace. That even though things will not be as they were in the past, that you can find the strength to find some comfort in how things are. There's a reason to everything...just wish that we had the 20/20 hindsight NOW.
(sorry so stinkin' long)
I don't really have any words of comfort, but I wanted you to know that I read and I feel for you. I am sure it's such a difficult situation.
As a woman, I know that even though someone apologizes for what they did wrong, it's hard to forgive unless they REALIZE how much it hurt you. If he only knew. But getting those feelings out isn't easy and once you do, there's no guarantee he will even understand where you are coming from. Hopefully, when the time is right, you will be able to talk to him and release some of these hurt feelings. Until then, pray.
Thinking of you and your wonderful mom...
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