Not Always Giggles and Laughs, Part 2

Apparently some of you still read my blog, hahaaa!  Thank you for your kind emails and words.  I have GREAT friends!

I just wanted to update this and not leave a "negative" post up for too long :)

Dave and I went for a quick date that same night.  One of the great benefits of having my mom living with us is that once she is home from work and kiddos are in bed, Dave and I can go on a date and not worry about being back in a hurry or if the kids are ok, plus its great not to have to a sitter. 

I wrote down all of the things that have been bothering me.  I wanted to have a clear head and I wanted to say everything I needed to and wanted to say.  Once Abuela got home we took off to Orange Leaf, grabbed the yummiest treat ever and drove up to Bountiful Blvd. were we could chit chat, uninterrupted and with each others full attention.

Dave is awesome!  He heard what I had to say and gave me praise where praise was needed and a good "you-know-what-you-have-to-do" where needed.  "Purging" my feelings is great for me.  I can get things in the open and not bottle them up.  Dave wants to do nothing more than please me and make me happy.  There are things that I wanted him to change and he immediately started "working" on them.  There is much I need to change to make us both happy and although I have tried to make the changes necessary, my mental block is still there. 

The good news is that I have felt so much better since "purging." I am one of those people who can't hold things in.  I have to let them out and letting them out is the best thing I could have done.  I have been listening to some uplifting music and REALLY trying to be kinder to kids and more loving to Dave. 

Things will still go up and down, but it will all be good in the long run.  I just have to keep trying and see the good that is in me. 

Thanks for your love and kind words! 

xoxo

Not Always Giggles and Laughs

 (Leah and I at Cherry Hill sometime this summer 2012)

The last few weeks I have been in some sort of funk.  I cannot snap out of it!  I have been extremely irritable, i can't stay happy for more than just a few hours, and some may even say seconds. 

(Milli, Me and Mylo playing on my phone) 

There is much in my life that brings me happiness. Dave, is awesome.  Works hard to give us everything we need and then some.  He loves me and is super supportive of me and whatever I want to do.  The kids are healthy and happy.  They are growing like weeds and are really developing their talents.  They have great friends and are learning a lot.  Our new home is beautiful and we are super happy here.  Its very comfortable, its what we wanted, we live in a fantastic neighborhood, we got a great deal (even though i came with a lot of heartache and added stress). 

(Otis, Leah, Milli and Mylo on our way to Jackson)

I am healthy (over all).  I get to stay home with the kids and raise them and teach them.  I have good friends and people who love and support me.  I have a desire to be a better person and a drive to keep going even when things are hard. 

(Otis and his chubby dirty hand)

But, for some crazy reason, I cannot seem to wake up happy and stay happy for an entire day.  I find myself sick of myself.  Nothing is good enough.  I want to be left alone, even though I wan to be with the ones I love.  I want to do nothing other than spend time with my computer, simply wasting time. 

(Dave and Otis skateboard)

This is not the life I want.  I don't want to waste time.  I want to "find the joy in the journey." I want to love on my kids and my husband.  I want to show them that I love them, not yell or ignore them.  Truth is, i am human.  I make mistakes and I can't always just be happy because I want to...

(Mylo and I share a RB Float after we were feeling sick) 

I hate the feelings I have been having.  Not to be confused with I want to leave my family, not at all!  I want nothing more than to enjoy them and show them that I want to be with them.  I need to snap out of this funk I am in and figure out what will work. 

(Dave, Otis and I on little dudes Bday) 

I want the giggles and laughs to be the constant in my home.  I want the smiles in my pictures to be who I am and who I feel.  I want the beauty that is on the outside to come from within.  Dave tells me I am beautiful all the time, and I believe him, I simply don't feel it! 

(Milli as cute as ever with mud on her hands)

I know the feelings I have come from the one being who doens't want me to be happy.  The one who doesn't want to see my family have a happy mom/wife, Satan.  I a still trying to figure out what I need and want to change to make my life what I want it to be.  I am not going to let him get a hold of me or my family.  I will not allow to destroy what I have always wanted for my life.

I love Dave and the kids and I want nothing more than to give them what they most deserve, happiness and love!