Not Always Giggles and Laughs

 (Leah and I at Cherry Hill sometime this summer 2012)

The last few weeks I have been in some sort of funk.  I cannot snap out of it!  I have been extremely irritable, i can't stay happy for more than just a few hours, and some may even say seconds. 

(Milli, Me and Mylo playing on my phone) 

There is much in my life that brings me happiness. Dave, is awesome.  Works hard to give us everything we need and then some.  He loves me and is super supportive of me and whatever I want to do.  The kids are healthy and happy.  They are growing like weeds and are really developing their talents.  They have great friends and are learning a lot.  Our new home is beautiful and we are super happy here.  Its very comfortable, its what we wanted, we live in a fantastic neighborhood, we got a great deal (even though i came with a lot of heartache and added stress). 

(Otis, Leah, Milli and Mylo on our way to Jackson)

I am healthy (over all).  I get to stay home with the kids and raise them and teach them.  I have good friends and people who love and support me.  I have a desire to be a better person and a drive to keep going even when things are hard. 

(Otis and his chubby dirty hand)

But, for some crazy reason, I cannot seem to wake up happy and stay happy for an entire day.  I find myself sick of myself.  Nothing is good enough.  I want to be left alone, even though I wan to be with the ones I love.  I want to do nothing other than spend time with my computer, simply wasting time. 

(Dave and Otis skateboard)

This is not the life I want.  I don't want to waste time.  I want to "find the joy in the journey." I want to love on my kids and my husband.  I want to show them that I love them, not yell or ignore them.  Truth is, i am human.  I make mistakes and I can't always just be happy because I want to...

(Mylo and I share a RB Float after we were feeling sick) 

I hate the feelings I have been having.  Not to be confused with I want to leave my family, not at all!  I want nothing more than to enjoy them and show them that I want to be with them.  I need to snap out of this funk I am in and figure out what will work. 

(Dave, Otis and I on little dudes Bday) 

I want the giggles and laughs to be the constant in my home.  I want the smiles in my pictures to be who I am and who I feel.  I want the beauty that is on the outside to come from within.  Dave tells me I am beautiful all the time, and I believe him, I simply don't feel it! 

(Milli as cute as ever with mud on her hands)

I know the feelings I have come from the one being who doens't want me to be happy.  The one who doesn't want to see my family have a happy mom/wife, Satan.  I a still trying to figure out what I need and want to change to make my life what I want it to be.  I am not going to let him get a hold of me or my family.  I will not allow to destroy what I have always wanted for my life.

I love Dave and the kids and I want nothing more than to give them what they most deserve, happiness and love!